At the point of retirement we were also coming to the end of a major expansion and re-build at our cottage. We are now left in the position where I need to decorate every room and I do mean every room. No room escaped the builder.


What I don’t know at this point is that Christine has watched every TV 'make over' show for the past ten years. Every House Doctor, Location Location Location, Grand Design, Property Ladder, Gardener’s World etc. She talks the correct designer language and is now qualified to host her own programme in 'how to' and 'what to do' to redecorate a whole house.


But now I am home so I will obviously be the one to do the organising with Christine choosing colours and effects. I collect the Black Book and call a meeting to discuss and set the plans for the project. Christine lets me know she is my wife and has no intention of attending meetings ever and reminds me of where the Black Book is to be inserted if she ever sees it again.


She explains that she has done all the decorating for the last ten years again without any help from me. Did I know this was going on? Is it me? Or is it a bloke thing? Would you actually notice if a room had changed colour whilst you were away or if curtains had changed? I obviously didn't but in fact Christine had done a substantial amount of decorating in the ten years.


She then explains that the decorating has already been prepared with colour boards and samples (what! I must watch these TV programmes) but I can help with the preparation if I wish. Preparation! I know what that is, strip wallpaper, fetch ladders, wash walls, go to the shop for a different colour when we don’t like the first one we bought.


I take my ‘bat and ball’ home and decide to start the garden only to be told she hasn’t completed the garden design yet Monty Don’s programme doesn't finish until next week. The pressure is obviously getting too much and Christine really needs my help although she won't admit it. I agree to help.


Now finally I arrive at the expanding knowledge bit which is what retirement is all about. To decorate a room you go to B&Q buy white paint for the ceiling, magnolia and wood chip for the walls, slap in on, white gloss the skirtings, windows and doors and move to the next room. Yes? …No!!


Of course you can buy paint from B&Q but why would you when you can buy Zoffany or Farrow and Ball. The cost is a trifle more but it is the texture you see it has ‘depth with subtle variations of hue’.


But where I get really confused is in the colours. What happened to Red, Yellow, Blue etc? I can now buy Loggia, Setting Plaster, Porphyry Pink, Babouche, Lichen, Borrowed Light and many others. I can get a blue called Teresa’s Green and a green called Powder Blue what’s all this about?


But not all rooms get the posh paint. Christine’s bathroom gets Farrow & Ball Babouche my shower room gets Aged White from Crown. Has she no feelings, Aged White I have just retired remember and now the paint reminds me I am getting old.


What’s more when I did the decorating, the paint I used only came in gloss or emulsion. I'm sure there must now be university degrees probably in Types of Paint – Colour And Texture (TOP CoAT).
The only person confused by all of this is, of course, me. Christine understands the whole scene perfectly but then she’s seen the TV programmes.


But it doesn’t stop at paint. I notice a Fired Earth receipt, we have placed an order for an Armoire for the kitchen. What’s an armoire? It’s a cupboard. Why is it an Armoire? I have no idea, it's a larder cupboard so why isn’t it called a Larder Cupboard? It’s beyond me but at least we haven’t bought a Confiturier … yet.


I go to B&Q to buy new paint brushes, when I get there I wonder if B&Q brushes can be used with posh paint. I go home to expand my knowledge further.

But wait, great news! The decorating is on hold as I have just been cleared for take of by the Doc. Next update will be from the Bahamas.