As you will know from yesterday’s publication, when I retired from work I handed back my company mobile phone and had to make a decision about getting another one or simply using Christine's.


I went on to raise the question about health and mobile phones. I was suggesting that, because the phone is always at hand, a major health risk is caused by the obsession with answering it wherever you are or whatever you are doing. Or is just me that does that?


So here is the second of my illustrations, which I believe knocks yesterday’s into a cocked hat, but read for yourselves. Everything actually happened exactly as I describe it.


Setting the Scene:
Our family lived in Holland at the time and Christine and myself had been over for a visit when she spotted a ceramic water feature in a garden center that we just had to have. Because we had gone via P&O Ferries from Hull by car, Christine visited the garden center quite a lot on this visit and as I came to pack the car to drive home, as well as the water feature there were two steamer chairs, a table and various decorative candles and plant pots but that's another story.


So a couple of months later it's the middle of summer and the family are over here for the school holidays. Christine, Alex and myself are sitting outside on the patio, Joe and Amber, the grandkids have erected a large tent on the grass, and Dave’s watching Arsenal on Sky Sports. The sun's over the yardarm (well it’s gone 2.00pm anyway) so the wine's out, I have lit the BBQ and it's a very pleasant and peaceful Bank Holiday Monday afternoon.

You will also remember that I was running a team of people implementing new hand held computer terminals across the country and I was the first port of call if anyone had a problem at any time. Then it happened: the mobile rings and all hell breaks loose.


The Action:
I jump up looking around to see where the mobile was and stumble over the table leg. This knocks over the wine bottle and glasses which smash everywhere. In an effort to keep upright I next demolish the brand new water feature which is now in 100 bits.

Christine is just telling the kids to mind the glass as I crash into them and knock them flying demolishing their tent. I am at this point still on my feet but then I trip over a deck chair and finish up falling off the patio down two steps to the grass.
As I look behind me I see a trail of devastation that included the water feature, three crystal wine glasses brought home on our last visit to France, a bottle of wine, a collapsed tent and a broken deck chair. I also hear a loud cry of consternation from David who was inside watching the football and must have seen my act through the window, except I later learned that Bergkamp had just missed a penalty.


The Result:

So I am now laid on the grass and it hurts, when I look down my left arm turns a right angle at the elbow, the wrong way, it has obviously come out it's socket and my back and side are very painful from the fall. Christine calls the ambulance and Amber brings the mobile over and says "it's Derek for you" and I talk to him about a problem with a terminals and whether we need to do a Four Key Reset or just reload the software. Here I am in agony with a dislocated elbow and I’m still on the phone. Is it me?


Now I’m in hospital, well on a trolley in casualty actually. As it's a Bank Holiday there seems to be many more patients than staff and after three hours I mention to a passing nurse that the trolley is uncomfortable and my arm smarts a little. She mentions this to a so-called doctor who then tries to get rid of me quickly by resetting my elbow, without any anesthetic, pulling my arm and bending it across my chest. I did explain to him that this procedure was quite painful and after the fourth attempt as I was levitating just below the ceiling he decided I needed anesthetic.
The elbow was then put back in place. The next day it was put in plaster and I was sent home along with the large suitcase which Alex had brought me, I think I had everything for a fortnight’s holiday. It actually happened exactly as described!


The Conclusion:

There was, of course, a serious side to the event in that I needed to drive around the country usually doing around 800 miles each week. The problem was not the driving because with an automatic and no gear lever one arm is sufficient but how do eat a sandwich and sausage roll in the middle lane of the M1 with only one arm. It's not easy, I was never very good at steering with my knees, so this meant I had to stop for lunches which made me late for everything for six weeks.


So on reflection I don't think I'll bother with a new mobile I can no longer see a need for one.