Back home in the UK when I was still at work I used to spend upwards of forty hours a week working around the country and on top of that drive between 800 and 1000 miles a week. That’s somewhere in the region of twenty hours a week sat in a car usually parked on the M1 or the M25 or the M6 or any other road that seemed to clog up with traffic the minute I tried to drive along it.


So what is it that makes me stressed about now driving on an island about twenty miles long and seven miles wide. I can drive round the entire island in an hour. It can’t be too hard surely, nobody on this island does stress that is, it appears, apart from me. And remember I am only going backwards and forwards to the school or the local shops.


As I shout at the driver behind me at the traffic lights, Alex who is sitting beside me says “Chill out Dad. It’s what they do”. That may be so but the driver behind must have had his hand hovering over the horn waiting for the light to change to green, there was not any time delay between the green light and his horn, I could not possibly have set off any quicker. And then once we have set off he doesn’t even seem to be in a hurry he just meanders along, arm out the window, boom box full on drinking a Kalik, so why the horn?


You see that’s the problem The Horn. The principle is:


You blow your horn to let someone out. They blow their horn to thank you for letting them out. But they could blow their horn first to say they are coming out and then you blow your horn to say OK. But then again if someone tries to come out without blowing their horn you are quite within your rights to blast your horn to tell then to stay where they are. And then of course they blast their horn because you have not let them out. Of course they may just be blowing their horn to move a stray dog out of the way and not because they want to come out. Unfortunately you may well have misinterpreted this horn blow and blown your own horn to let them out at which time the car behind who obviously understands the situation with the dog blasts his horn at you for blowing your horn and slowing down to let them out .


Are you keeping up!


Then of course remember it’s just a small island every one knows every one else and each time you draw alongside someone you know you blow the horn. You pull up outside someone’s house you blow the horn, let’s not get out and ring the door bell, too easy you see. You are picking something up from a shop you blow your horn for someone to bring your goods out, certainly wouldn’t go in the shop to collect.


But the amazing thing is I don’t know what they are blowing the horn with. One hand is always holding the Kalik or the rum and coke or whatever their choice is today, the other will be holding the Wendy’s burger or maybe a sandwich, they must also be steering with something possibly their knee and there is still one arm hanging out the window. So how do they blow their horns continually?


Considering that I regularly had lunch usually consisting of a sausage roll, a sandwich and a coffee driving down the middle lane of the M1 at 80 miles an hour with cars packed on all three lanes dealing with a few horn blows shouldn’t be too hard. But I was not continually blowing the horn, that’s what causes the stress, it’s too noisy.


Maybe I have been retired too long. I need to get back to village life, going down to the paper shop in my slippers and watching the world go by. All this driving to school and back is just too much. Never mind Christine wil be back from the supermarket soon with further supplies of vodka and cranberry juice.